Day 1 (13/4/09)

I don’t know what you will think and how is your feeling when you read my sms. May be you will feel shock, maybe you had prepared that I may get mad, or may be you also have the same kind feeling that you are tired enough with me.

Honestly, I miss you even before I send the sms to you. I never feel good after I made the decision. The feeling is just like taking a knife to cut a part of the heart.

I love you, and I know this well. But I start telling myself only I love you is not enough. Or I should say only love is not enough. I can accept how you are as my boyfriend, but I can’t accept you as my husband if you still behave as what you are now.

To prevent myself change my mind easily because of crazy miss you. I want myself to list down the thing that you had done and make me disappointed. I warn myself not to re-call how you show your love to me. I want myself stop to talk for you stop to let me soften down.

1. Not really taking initiative to take care me. I need to tell you I am sick and bag you to come and look for me. Honestly, I can go see doctor myself, I can go get food by myself. But I just hope you can take care of me. I just hope to have a chance to let you take care. I just hope to get a chance to let you show your love and warm me up. But after all I am tired with it. I hope you can notice I am sick when I not really talk that much. I hope can notice I am going to sick when I start coughing and complain of headache. I know how to take care myself, but I even hope I not need to take care myself and you can take care of me.
2. During the time when my father pass away, you really make me disappointed. You know the day will come. I sms you, but you never thought want to call me up. Even just a hello, and tell me you will be there for me no matter what happen. You not even reply with a sms. You never try to be there for me to lend off, to take my tears away. Even my colleague think want to go in and visit me to be with me at the difficult moment. But you, the one I love. Never thought want to come in for me. You think it is too far, and it is too tired to have long drive. But don’t you think your love one deserve your care when she is so weak? Don’t you ever worry of her? Don’t you wish you can be with her when she faces such a big tragedy? I not really need you to do any thing for me, but just to be there for me. Silent and just be there. I am really hoped you will initially take a day off for me, but you not even intend to come for a night. I told myself, this is all because you not good in handle this kind of situation. I keep telling myself you love me, it is just because you don’t know how to react; you don’t know how to face with me. You not good in communicate with stranger. You will never feel comfortable to be there. I understand all these. But deep in my heart, I still hope you can over come all these and come for me, just because of me and for me.
3. As a woman, although I am not handicap, I hope my man can settle all problems for me. He takes me like a child. He worries everything for me. He knows I can handle, but he wish to help me so that I not really need to worry. When my car battery dead, I know you are not a mechanical, I know you don’t know how to fix it as well. But I just hope for me, you can stand one step ahead to learn to handle it for me. You can help to get a mechanical or you can just be there with me to wait for the mechanical to come. All these just because you are my man.
4. I am so disappointed when you can’t even remember when I am coming back to KL from Sabah. You seem like never take notice on me and my schedule. I worry if one day I kidnap by people also you will not notice immediately. Without inform by others, you will not know if I had met an accidence. You seldom take initiative to call me at the night. I am so jealous to see others receive a daily call from their boyfriend and husband. They will always look surprise when I tell we some time not even talk in a day or 2. Some of them are others people husband. I am not trying to compare you with others. But it is something that I wish to have, event if others not doing so.
5. That day I saw many of my friend photo in facebook. I found that they had be with their GF or BF to whichever party or gathering. Those photo were just too sweet. I not those who like to show off how sweet I am with my BF. But I do hope I have an understanding and caring BF that will taking care me wherever he is regardless in front of others or only in front of me. I never like to force you to join my friend although you know them as well. This is because I understand that we should and we can have our own circle of friend and life. I may not feel comfortable to be with your friend as well. But I really hope some time you can be there for me. When we were in Sabah, those who have BF are come along with BF. Although the journey was tough, but they take care of their GF and they walk together. How I wish I can reach the peak together with you. How I wish when I tired in the journey I can have your hand to hold. I am tired to be tough.
6. I know you not good in communication. You don’t like to talk. But I really hope you can talk more with me. I am actually doing feel tired to talk alone and to find difference interesting topic to share with you. I know some of the topic you may not interested, but I may just not have enough topic. I hope you can be not that silence when you with me. And that is because I am the one you love, that why you feel very secure to talk with me. I like to listen to you.
7. Compare with my happy, you always choose your rest time. I understand when you need to overtime almost everyday, an early day off is very precious for you. I understand that you will tire and you will hope can be home early to rest. I really miss those days that we can hold hand to pasar malam. I hope our relationship not really needs to be so routine that you will only come look for me during weekend. I hope you will come and look for me when you wish to see me. And you will like to see me once a while in a week days. I hope to wish to see me is greater than your wish to back home watch movie and rest. I just hope to feel you take me more important and you willing to give away some rest opportunity just because you miss me.
8. You know I always wish you can stop smoke. I don’t want to talk more on this. If you love me enough, you should love yourself more. You should take care yourself so that you can take care of me. I don’t like you smoking face.
9. I hope you can take charge for me. You can give suggestion, opinion, advice to me when I face a problem. I hope you can make decision for me when I am too lazy to think. I will be even happier if you can help to make a decision that I like to. Nothing much, just because you know me and you know what I want.

No matter how many things that you had done to make me disappointed and hurt, I still miss you. I still miss your hug, your kiss, your smile, and your eyes. I still wish you can hug me from behind, kiss me on my cheek. I still hope we can go Melacca, Hong Kong, Australia, Langkawi and many others places. I still wish to see you around, I really hope I can sms you when I miss you. But I keep remind myself, if can can’t stand with this short term pain, I will continue suffer with your careless and attitude. I worry I gonna to miss you the rest of my life. But I even worry if I need to compromise indefinite of the rest of my life. I love you much. Please believe that I love you much. I can’t compare for you if I love you more than you love me, but I know how important you are for me. I know how your love means for me. But we are no longer young.