往事

常常看见他在听着那首歌的样子都会给我一种叫做想念的感觉。

他哼着那首歌的感觉就是让人觉得他在想念，想念一个人。

他说是在想往事，我却觉得他更像在想一个人。

“你是我最深爱的女人 

 你有最美丽的嘴唇 
 你拥有最动人的眼神 
 你带给我幸福和快乐”

往事，值得回忆，都因为当时所遇见的人吧？

我希望有一天，你也会因为一首歌而想起我。

成长 VS 成熟

成长,你知道大概需要多久.
那么成熟呢?
多久才能让一个人成熟呢?
还要多久你才会成熟呢?

无题

谁得到过愿放手，曾精彩过愿挽留，

年年月月逝去越是觉得深爱你。。。

Love. Simple

Sometime, love can be simple. But most of the time it can't.
It is complicated, not because it is naturally complicated.
But the one who create it is complicated.
If only we can be real simple, I can imagine how good it can be.
But simple easier make an equal to constant and bored.
When people start to look for greater experience, when people start to think of change,
simple is not that easy to maintain.
Fisrt change you may still remain simple, but after multiply changes with changes,
you will become complicated.
When you tend to have more things, it also make your life more complicated.
That goes same with love and relationship.
When it is more than 2 person in a relationship, it is complicated.
When you need to encounter more things under consideration, it is complicated.
I think, it is regardless of complicated or simple.
It is more on choose.
How you choose to handle and what you had choosen to have.
In life, we face with choice everyday, every moment.
I hope I make the most suitable choice st most of the time.


P/s: I think I really too good in imagination until 1 picture also can talk for so long. Hahaha...

星期五快来

好想快点到星期五.
我最喜欢的就是星期五.因为能够期待周末.
快快来啦...

A lazy day

风轻轻地吹过脸庞, 吹起耳边的短发.
不晒的阳光,很温暖,很舒服.
如果可以什么都不做,写意的坐在长板櫈上.
静静地享受一个下午, 或哪怕只是一下.

Wonderful Sunday

I am so happy for the 'new' change. I know both of us try our very best to get a new start.
Now only i realize, last time, i try to be with him the whole Sat and Sun and he try to do that as well because both of us though the other would like us to be accopany.
Yesterday, we just had a walk in Low Yatt for his pc accessories and Carefour for my shopping.
We back our own home after that. That time was only 3 something which is quite rare happen to us that we back home so early for our own.
He told me he is very happy that i can let him go home early.
I am happy that i can go bach home early to do my things as well.
So time the whole day down event without going out, he may tired and i may have not enough time for my own things.
I guess this is the best way for the moment.
This is what i want for all the while. Where we can have time together and have time for our own.

The night i was out with my friends for dinner. I love to have such gathering with my friends too.
We have a satisfy Korean food and nice chat.
We plan for few trip and i really hope i can join all.

That was a nice Sunday.
And for today, i have a new mission, my diet start.
I hope can catch my target by my birthday.

Decission

Finally i made a decission which is all difference with what i tell myself all these days.

I give myself, him and ourselves another last chance.

because that moment, suddenly i discover that effort from 1 site without communication will only make ppl tired and lead to give up.

This time, we have a serious talk and we agree to truely communicate, at least he is willing to try to express himself although he may not good in it.

After all i still believe that he loves me.

Ans no doubt, i love him much.

Life have no second chance, so i hope i can give my relationship a last chance while i still can.

I hope this is a wise decission and please bless me.

If success, i win a happy life, if not, at least i tried.

Day 5 (17/4/09)

It is another day. Time pass just not that fast when you want it to pass faster. But it get passed away very fast when you concerntrate to do something.
I don't know what are you thinking all these days. Are you also agree with my suggestion and decission? I think this seem like really not affecting your life. It is great, I think. If you are not really suffer for it. It is better only 1 person being suffer than 2 people. I know i will recover. I did it last time although last time I was just not that in love.
I wondering how to pass my coming weekend.
I may want go shopping?
I may want bring Dong Dong to have a walk and take some picture for him?
May be at the end i will just stay at home and do nothing...

Friday again

So fast, it come to Friday again. A week had passed by.
When i get older, i really feel time flying by. My time is not counting by day, is counting by week or even month.
Last Friday was the last lunch i have with u. Yes, may be we will still having lunch together in the future. I dare not to say for tomorrow things.
During the last lunch, you didn;t say much as you always.
What I can remember was you keep say I am stupid because never set the venue to be in shoping complex so that we can eat sushi and continue with some shoping since i have 2 hour lunch.
If time can be revise, would you change all ur "stupid" to be come "I love you"?
Will look at me more often, will u spent more time to look at me but not to complain the food?
Will you join me in the conversation but not leave me seeking for topic which you may interested with?
I think you have no answer for this as well.
Nevermind, because whatever had passed by can't be changed.
Very soon, another week will go and days just continue and we still alive.
By the way, i never unhappy with your trip to go Ipoh. I understand and happy for you to have some activities with colleague.
I know you must be very lonely and boring during my away to Sabah. Thats why you keep mention it to convince yourself to go Ipoh and leave me in KL.
I am really ok with it. Our quarrel is never because of this.

Day 4 (16/4/2009)

This morning, as usual, i drive to work and listen to radio. As usual.

When jam, i start to take out bread and eat.

When music come in my ears, i eating bread while another hand on sterling, some tears get into my eyes without asking permission.

I concerntrate to eat my bread, and the tears concerntrate to drop down.

Every bite, there is a tear drop. I duno is the bread too tasty or the music too sentimental.

I am not crying, just the tears drop down.

I try to live follow own feeling.

I eat when i when i feel wana eat even i not feel hungry.

I continue to eat when i full just because i wish to eat.

Then i start to suffer from over eating. I wish to volmit. But i didn't.

I work as i want. I try not to have to many own time.

I back home early. Because i feel i dun wan to work longer. (or because u told me to back home early the last time we together?)

i drive in jam. I hate jam. Why i wan to go back home so early and meet the jam.

I continue driving.

I don't wan to think so much, but when i pass by toll with touch n go, i know who top it up for me.

Almost reach home, finally.

I start to think what to do tomorrow.

Before this, when i down i like to be alone.

Now, i wish i wont have so many alone time.

Because when there are others around, i will use to pretend tough, and nothing happen.

After some time, i think i will get use with it and start to be real tough.

Beside the tears, i am OK.

Beside torturing myself, i am OK.

I am OK.

Yes, I am.

Tears drop

Did u hear that? the sound of tears droping?

Day 3 (15/4/09)

The day without your news is so lost. I had a long talk with colleague. She just separated with her husband although she just gave birth to her baby. She is tough and so brave. Not because of any third party. It is because of the family, the parents, and the husband behavior. I think most of the women hope the partner can take care of her. She told me from her experience, compromise will only lead to a dead end if the other doesn’t know to appreciate. We are only human. Very easy we tend to taking granted for those who treat us good. We seldom remind ourselves how much the other had pay for us when we in a comfort zone. I know, you had compromise many as well. But you are brave enough to remain your own life style. You are brave enough to tell me that you like your life style. You brave to tell me you like to be at home, you don’t like go out. Did you ever think if I also tell you I like outing, I don’t like always at home. What can you do? Because you’re brave, I respect you, I am willing to compromise. Because I love you, because I don’t want to lose our relationship. I am not sure what will happen in the future. I not sure are we really came to the end. I am not sure can I resist with your love if you come back to me. But I try to remind myself every moment, if everything remains the same, the problem will remain the same. If only we would like to remain our relationship as BF and GF, we can’t move any step without any changing from both site. All this while I pretend the problem is not a problem because we love each other. But until now, until the problem had become bigger hurt to both. I feel so helpless. It is like a child hoping to get an apple. When she received a gift from the elder, open the box and found an orange. She likes to have the gift, but she hope the gift can be an apple. But she can’t change the fact that orange can’t change to be apple. She is wondering should she accept the orange or she gives up on the gift her like. The situation gets even worst when she is actually allergy with orange. I don’t want any other gift, but I don’t want orange. I just want my gift to become apple. I hope this desperately. Hope I wish it can happen to me. Can I be so lucky?

I love you, do you love me enough?

Day2 (14/4/09)

Pain and indescribable heartache; a complicated feeling of losing; super down. But I keep telling myself I must stand with it. I miss you, every second when I on myself, day and night. I know when time passing by, the pain may get less. But I am worry when time passing by, it also will bring you away from me. I am so fear of losing you. And I tell myself, if anything can bring you away from me, it just means that you not mean for me.

To be together, we must obtain a status where both are comfortable with. Even compromise, we will be happy to compromise because it is a 2 way compromise and it is because of love.

I hope you know I love you, with all I can.

I also hope you will know no matter how much I love you; I must live as a human and responsible for my own happiness. I am happy when I see you because I love you. But because I love you, your act had some how made me feel so sad. I hope you really know I love you and I love you very much.

I miss you every second that I can.

Day 1 (13/4/09)

I don’t know what you will think and how is your feeling when you read my sms. May be you will feel shock, maybe you had prepared that I may get mad, or may be you also have the same kind feeling that you are tired enough with me.

Honestly, I miss you even before I send the sms to you. I never feel good after I made the decision. The feeling is just like taking a knife to cut a part of the heart.

I love you, and I know this well. But I start telling myself only I love you is not enough. Or I should say only love is not enough. I can accept how you are as my boyfriend, but I can’t accept you as my husband if you still behave as what you are now.

To prevent myself change my mind easily because of crazy miss you. I want myself to list down the thing that you had done and make me disappointed. I warn myself not to re-call how you show your love to me. I want myself stop to talk for you stop to let me soften down.

1. Not really taking initiative to take care me. I need to tell you I am sick and bag you to come and look for me. Honestly, I can go see doctor myself, I can go get food by myself. But I just hope you can take care of me. I just hope to have a chance to let you take care. I just hope to get a chance to let you show your love and warm me up. But after all I am tired with it. I hope you can notice I am sick when I not really talk that much. I hope can notice I am going to sick when I start coughing and complain of headache. I know how to take care myself, but I even hope I not need to take care myself and you can take care of me.
2. During the time when my father pass away, you really make me disappointed. You know the day will come. I sms you, but you never thought want to call me up. Even just a hello, and tell me you will be there for me no matter what happen. You not even reply with a sms. You never try to be there for me to lend off, to take my tears away. Even my colleague think want to go in and visit me to be with me at the difficult moment. But you, the one I love. Never thought want to come in for me. You think it is too far, and it is too tired to have long drive. But don’t you think your love one deserve your care when she is so weak? Don’t you ever worry of her? Don’t you wish you can be with her when she faces such a big tragedy? I not really need you to do any thing for me, but just to be there for me. Silent and just be there. I am really hoped you will initially take a day off for me, but you not even intend to come for a night. I told myself, this is all because you not good in handle this kind of situation. I keep telling myself you love me, it is just because you don’t know how to react; you don’t know how to face with me. You not good in communicate with stranger. You will never feel comfortable to be there. I understand all these. But deep in my heart, I still hope you can over come all these and come for me, just because of me and for me.
3. As a woman, although I am not handicap, I hope my man can settle all problems for me. He takes me like a child. He worries everything for me. He knows I can handle, but he wish to help me so that I not really need to worry. When my car battery dead, I know you are not a mechanical, I know you don’t know how to fix it as well. But I just hope for me, you can stand one step ahead to learn to handle it for me. You can help to get a mechanical or you can just be there with me to wait for the mechanical to come. All these just because you are my man.
4. I am so disappointed when you can’t even remember when I am coming back to KL from Sabah. You seem like never take notice on me and my schedule. I worry if one day I kidnap by people also you will not notice immediately. Without inform by others, you will not know if I had met an accidence. You seldom take initiative to call me at the night. I am so jealous to see others receive a daily call from their boyfriend and husband. They will always look surprise when I tell we some time not even talk in a day or 2. Some of them are others people husband. I am not trying to compare you with others. But it is something that I wish to have, event if others not doing so.
5. That day I saw many of my friend photo in facebook. I found that they had be with their GF or BF to whichever party or gathering. Those photo were just too sweet. I not those who like to show off how sweet I am with my BF. But I do hope I have an understanding and caring BF that will taking care me wherever he is regardless in front of others or only in front of me. I never like to force you to join my friend although you know them as well. This is because I understand that we should and we can have our own circle of friend and life. I may not feel comfortable to be with your friend as well. But I really hope some time you can be there for me. When we were in Sabah, those who have BF are come along with BF. Although the journey was tough, but they take care of their GF and they walk together. How I wish I can reach the peak together with you. How I wish when I tired in the journey I can have your hand to hold. I am tired to be tough.
6. I know you not good in communication. You don’t like to talk. But I really hope you can talk more with me. I am actually doing feel tired to talk alone and to find difference interesting topic to share with you. I know some of the topic you may not interested, but I may just not have enough topic. I hope you can be not that silence when you with me. And that is because I am the one you love, that why you feel very secure to talk with me. I like to listen to you.
7. Compare with my happy, you always choose your rest time. I understand when you need to overtime almost everyday, an early day off is very precious for you. I understand that you will tire and you will hope can be home early to rest. I really miss those days that we can hold hand to pasar malam. I hope our relationship not really needs to be so routine that you will only come look for me during weekend. I hope you will come and look for me when you wish to see me. And you will like to see me once a while in a week days. I hope to wish to see me is greater than your wish to back home watch movie and rest. I just hope to feel you take me more important and you willing to give away some rest opportunity just because you miss me.
8. You know I always wish you can stop smoke. I don’t want to talk more on this. If you love me enough, you should love yourself more. You should take care yourself so that you can take care of me. I don’t like you smoking face.
9. I hope you can take charge for me. You can give suggestion, opinion, advice to me when I face a problem. I hope you can make decision for me when I am too lazy to think. I will be even happier if you can help to make a decision that I like to. Nothing much, just because you know me and you know what I want.

No matter how many things that you had done to make me disappointed and hurt, I still miss you. I still miss your hug, your kiss, your smile, and your eyes. I still wish you can hug me from behind, kiss me on my cheek. I still hope we can go Melacca, Hong Kong, Australia, Langkawi and many others places. I still wish to see you around, I really hope I can sms you when I miss you. But I keep remind myself, if can can’t stand with this short term pain, I will continue suffer with your careless and attitude. I worry I gonna to miss you the rest of my life. But I even worry if I need to compromise indefinite of the rest of my life. I love you much. Please believe that I love you much. I can’t compare for you if I love you more than you love me, but I know how important you are for me. I know how your love means for me. But we are no longer young.

Fear

Always hear that i am feeling scare and fear, but you cant notice it by looking at me. u will nvr believe i am in fear.

I cant change my out look, i cant change how i look in others eyes.

Bt i cant change others perception as well.

In office, i always some one who is capable to do things by myself, someone who no need others help and pitiness. But how i hope i can be. 

I am in fear. In fear of something and many things. 

I like Pucca before this, now i feel so lost when i see it.

I should used to my work, now i start feel no direction.

I used to be in my routine work, life and ppl around,

now i feel so fear of remain it but also fear of changing it.

The feeling is so complicated, the fear is so complicated.

But actually i am simple, i just having difficulties to telling and sharing what i think.

和自己对话

我: 我想放弃,我想离开

自己:然后呢?

我:我遇见最爱我的人,但我却放弃了.我怕我遇不上更好的.

自己:既然都不是最好的,失去了又有什么可惜呢?本是无一物,何处惹尘埃?

我:我放不下.

自己:只想得到却不肯先失去,你就会失去获得更好的可能.

我:我爱他.

自己:但你明白爱不代表适合.

我:(无语)

自己:本来就只是一个人.最坏也只是回到一个人.不要因为后来拥有的,而忘了以为那是本来就有的.

和自己的对话原来可以是很累的.

上班了

终于上班了.
将近一星期没有工作了.有点生疏.
身体还没完全康复,希望过两天会完全好了吧!
我不想再抱病出门了,还要是孤身去吉兰丹呢...
相信四月将很快过完, 因为一转眼已经9号了.
两个Out station后,又是五月了.
为什么日子要过得那么快呀?
我真的追得有点喘不过气,想放弃了.
想起爬山的时候,无论多累还是坚持走下去.
到了终点,我却有一种为什么要那么辛苦自己的感觉.
难道就是为了证明自己能办到吗?
我又要证明给谁看呀?
我只想用自己的双腿,走过尽可能多的地方,哪怕上山还是下海.
人,只年轻那么一次.
而我的年轻正快速的流走,我只能拼命的追着它的尾巴.
下山后有一种空洞的感觉.
好像失去了方向,不知道自己在努力些什么.
有一种前所未有的害怕和惶恐; 不安和无知.
所有疼爱我的人,我好害怕.
我害怕他们会突然不见了,或突然不再爱我了.
突然觉得好害怕,害怕生活.
害怕继续这样生活, 却又害怕改变.

真的病了...

带病去KK. 可能身体也明白我一定要上山,所以也让我如愿以尝的成功上山.
但上山前和上山后都在生病.
喉咙痛得我难以入眠. 在KK每晚都睡不好,只睡了几小时.
终于下山了,终于回到家了,终于可以安心地生病了...
去看医生,医生说我病得不轻.
我告诉她我要MC,她竟然问我一天够吗?两天也没有问题,因为烧得不轻.
所以我就有两天MC 咯...
在家躺了两天,就是吃药,睡觉,看电视,check e-mail...
人有点blur blur,但我想我还是多休息,因为下星期又要出门了.
可能困在家久了,心情很闷,好像很多东西应该去settle,但却提不起劲.
突然好象没有了目标,没有了方向.
希望明天上班后一切都会比较好吧!